My heartbreak

ifoundgodI write a lot about the freedom (and miraculous encounters) I experience in my life as a follower of Jesus.

It’s amazing.

It’s awesome.

In many ways, it’s quite revolutionary.

But, I don’t write much here about my life before that…

Now, this post is stepping a bit outside of the box that I normally write in on this blog…but what I’m about to say is monumental to the freedom I’ve found.

I believe it’s the foundation everything else was built on.

And it starts with a stupid love song.

(Okay, stupid is a bit harsh. The song is actually lovely…I just say stupid because of my relationship with the song. You’ll understand in a minute)

I grew up in church. Christian CD’s were just about ALL I was allowed to listen to.

There was a song released in the 80’s by Steven Curtis Chapman called, “I Will Be Here”. It’s written to his wife and was played at just about every wedding I attended.

It had words that EVERY WOMAN WANTED TO HEAR.

My first encounter with this song was with the first guy I fell in love with. And I FELL HARD. I remember him playing this song for me, which landed me in a puddle of head-over-heals-I’ll-marry-you-tomorrow-mess. Only to then be broken up with a few months later.

Bummer.

First heartbreak.

Took me a while to move past that one.

(I’m eating chocolate truffles, trying to not feel guilty about my second handful. The nutrition facts say 3 truffles per serving – 2 servings isn’t too bad when you’re talking about ex-boyfriends and bad relationships, right?? SIGH)

I moved on.

Met someone else.

(Lots of someone else’s actually)

I eventually got married to the love of my life.

Our marriage ended quite horribly.

Of course, we played the darn song at our wedding.

You can understand now (although the song is very sweet) my hesitation towards liking it. I’m done with that song.

NO MORE OF THIS I’LL BE HERE NONSENSE. BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE NOT WHAT THEY APPEAR TO BE. THEY LEAVE OR TURN OUT TO BE SOME FREAKISH VERSION OF THEMSELVES THAT THEY NEVER DISCLOSED TO YOU THEY ACTUALLY WERE IN THE FIRST PLACE. I’M OVER IT! WHAT THE LYRICS SHOULD ACTUALLY SAY IS: OOPS, I SAID I’D BE HERE BUT SOMEONE BETTER CAME ALONG AND I CHANGED MY MIND.  

Ah.

And, there we have it. I’ve officially introduced you to the Anna before becoming a Jesus follower.

She was hurt.

She was mad.

She was lonely.

And she really didn’t like that song.

So, a few days ago, that song (which is really old) randomly came on Christian radio.

You probably can guess what I did?

Yep.

Turned that sucker right off.

(Sorry Mr. Chapman. I know you’re probably a stellar husband and that you wrote the song from a very genuine place. Which is precisely what makes it so painful for people like me to listen to it….)

Just being real.

I moved on with my day.

Today it came on the radio AGAIN.

I was like, “God, WHAT THE HECK?!”

Then the Holy Spirit said something in his usual soft, quiet way.

He nudged me to listen to the song.

ALL OF IT.

I was like, “Fine”

SO, I sat in my car and listened.

I asked God (while trying to ignore the song) WHY he wanted me to listen?

My Father said, “This is MY song to YOU”

Here are the lyrics (I adapted slightly) to which I BAWLED THE ENTIRE WAY through:

Tomorrow morning if you wake up
And the sun does not appear
I… I will be here
If in the dark you lose sight of love
Hold my hand and have no fear
‘Cause I… I will be here

I will be here
When you feel like being quiet
When you need to speak your mind
I will listen
And I will be here
When the laughter turns to crying
Through the winning, losing and trying
We’ll be together
‘Cause I will be here

Tomorrow morning if you wake up
And the future is unclear
I… I will be here
As sure as seasons are made for change
Your lifetime is made for years
So I… I will be here

I will be here
And you can cry on my shoulder
When the mirror tells you you’re older
I will hold you
And I will be here
To watch you grow in beauty
And tell you all the things you are to me
I will be here

I will be true to the promise I have made
To you and to the One (Jesus) who gave you to me

So I… I will be here
We’ll be together
I will be here

If you want to know what my relationship is like with God AND WHY I’M CRAZY IN LOVE WITH HIM, that song sums it up right there. Leave it to Him to redeem that song for me. In such a deep profound personal way… this song IS my love story. It’s just not with a person; it’s with my Savior.

See, much of my life was a heartbreak in the love department. It just was. When I thought I’d found love, the floor would fall out from beneath me and I’d be alone.

That was my story.

The same story over and over.

But, it was in one of those lonely pits that I cracked open my Bible and tears fell all over the pages. Painful, gut-wrenching tears.

An exchange happened that day.

I traded my bloody, beaten heart in for a brand new one.

And, now, living in my second marriage to a wonderful husband, I could very well live in fear of tragedy striking again.

But, here’s the AMAZING part.

I’m not afraid.

Life has taught me to be afraid of people walking out on me.

But, I don’t fear that scenario.

Because, Zac doesn’t own my heart.

Jesus does.

He paid for it.

He redeemed it.

It’s no longer for sale.

If heartbreak happened in my marriage, I’d run to the lover of my soul. He would carry me. And I’d be okay.

Not many things in this life are certain, but THAT is one thing that I have lived and am certain of.

It’s out of this love relationship that I’ve grown wings to fly. Where I’ve learned to let go of fearing what others think of me – where I’ve embraced loving the unlovable. Where guardedness and fear are a distant memory. And where my value no longer comes from a person. It comes from HIM.

This is where ministry was birthed in me. I didn’t find God inside church walls. I found him on my floor in a pool of snot over pages in my Bible. Being held in the arms of my Father in the middle of the night as I cried myself to sleep. I found him alone in my room when depression and darkness were heavy companions.

I’m no scholar. I’m no theologian. I’m simply a girl who was once lost, but has been found.

And out of that freedom comes the stuff I get to write about on this blog.

Soooo, there’s my love story. Now, it’s your turn. I want to hear from you. 🙂

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12 thoughts on “My heartbreak

  1. Anna, thank you, dear friend, for your honesty. We have experienced similar things in this life and I long to sit and have coffee with you some day. Much love!

  2. Anna,
    You spoke at our church in Fulton, Mo and our congregation did the study Forgiveness is not an option. Thank you for both writing the book and for coming to speak.

    I recently gave me testimony. I’m not a public speaker or even a good writer, but I do have a story of transformation.

    I too have fallen in love with our Savior. We share a bond in that sense.

    Please feel free to share my story with anyone who feels unworthy or like they just can’t go forward from where they have been.

    Our God loves to turn messes into messages. His grace is the best blessing I have ever received. I have had several people tell me that my testimony helped them which is why I will share it with you.

    Keep up the good work and thank you!

    http://www.takeittotheheart.com/mobile/sermonmanagerlvl2.php?ID=109563

  3. I just found your blog through a random occurrence (aka God) and it reminded me to get back on that path with Him. Thank you for your honesty and your words. What a bright, but humbling spot I find myself in. Thanks for reminding me that I’m not alone.

  4. This is a lovely post. I had a very similar experience with a different song, and it became the push I needed to walk away from a terrible relationship. Thank you for sharing.

  5. Thank you for your blog. I’m glad I found it – because I turned back on the church and have been lonely and longing for some Christian fellowship…. but am not sure I want to trust people enough to open up and be close with them again. We’ll see where God will lead me. I’m going to go through all your posts. Your writing is amazing. Thank you for that.

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