When I first started this blog, I promised to keep it honest. I vowed that I would be real and transparent about the ins and outs of what goes on in my head on this journey of being a Jesus follower.
Today, I’m going to be super real with you.
You’re getting an intense look inside.
People who follow Jesus (authentically) are often viewed as a pillar of strength. It’s like they become this model of who you want to be like. I get it. There are many people in my life that I’ve seen that way.
Well, I’m about to wreck that image.
Like completely dismantle it.
I want this post to be encouraging. I want this post to be super awe inspiring and awesome (what blogger doesn’t?) And, yet, all that is coming out of me today is a pretty raw look at the days that you don’t read about in blogs.
So, just get ready. I’ve given you fair warning.
There are days I feel less than.
There are days I don’t feel like I’m enough.
There are days I feel scared.
There are days I feel like I’m failing at everything.
There are days I seriously wonder,
WHY THE HECK DID GOD CHOOSE ME?
Sometimes I want to give up.
Sometimes I want to hide under the covers and not come back out.
Sometimes I fear that people will leave, people will disappoint and all of it will amount to nothing.
There are times my heart gets tired. My head gets full. My arms get weak. And I want to lay down and pass the baton to someone else. Give it to someone stronger. Someone like the leaders that I look up to.
I am not perfect. But I really want to be and that is hard. I am not made of steel. But I want to be and that lands me in a pool of tears more than I care to admit. I am not always able to love the best. But I long to, and that weighs heavy on my heart. I am not always able to shake off words that rattle me. But, I really, really wish I could and that makes for some tough days. I’m not always confident and that totally and completely SUCKS.
These moments don’t happen often, but they do happen.
I’ve learned God’s grace here…
in this ugly, messy place.
I’ve learned to cherish my weak spots.
I’ve learned to embrace them and press into them.
This has become the mantra of my heart:
I can stand up and keep fighting because He is stronger than my weak and feeble heart.
I can choose to continue to love because He is the only stable lover of my heart.
He is and always will be my constant.
He is and always will be the only true lover of my soul.
He is and always will be my loudest cheerleader in the room.
He has and always will have the only key to my heart.
IT’S FROM THIS PLACE AND ONLY THIS PLACE THAT I PICK UP MY SWORD AND CONTINUE TO MARCH ON.
True strength isn’t built on mountaintops.
True warrior strength is built in the trenches. It’s formed in the battleground. It’s in the dark, lonely hours when you just don’t think you can anymore. True strength is made in the crushing, refining hours when the ache is deep, the pain intense and the battle cry sounds more like a desperate scream for help.
We all will face giants. Sometimes the biggest ones are inside.
I take a huge amount of comfort from Paul. He said, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9-11)
He pretty much admitted that in his heart he had places that were totally weak. I love that. BECAUSE IT MAKES ME NOT FEEL SO DARN CRAZY.
I believe Paul learned to identify with the trenches. He learned to master them. Not that he overcame being weak, but he mastered the art of pressing into weakness and responding well.
There will always be let downs. There will always be situations and people that hurt. But, I can’t walk in fear or shame of that. I refuse.
Because the moment I do, darkness wins. The moment I refuse to back down out of shame or fear, I’ve already surrendered.
Every intense battle of the heart and mind that you face, is a direct attack against your calling. Against the you that you were designed to be.
I am designed to speak.
I am designed to love and love well.
I am designed to confront darkness head on with a passionate fire of the Holy Spirit.
I am designed to lead.
I am designed to be painfully vulnerable.
(There’s more but we’ll stop there) 🙂
Every single time I feel like I’ve had the wind knocked out of me, it’s because I was hit in one of the areas God has strategically called me to walk in. EVERY SINGLE FREAKING TIME.
So, friends, I am sharing from an honest place. I’ve learned how to battle and believe there is tremendous strength when we open up and admit our weakness. Honesty shakes off shame. Transparency wrecks the ability for darkness to win.
You have a fierce calling on your life. You have a tremendous amount of work to do for the Kingdom that only you are designed to do.
You will face giants. You will get knocked down. You will battle insecurity and fear and confront and expose a ton of weak areas. BUT THEY WILL NOT WIN.
You are not alone.
You are not going to lose.
You are not going to give up.
You are going to keep marching on.
Not because you are super human – but because all the power of heaven lives and rests inside of you.